October 30, 2011

Dear Crabby, take 2

Remember that time when I was super duper sick and I lost an entire summer?  The only thing that got me through those trying days was Dear Crabby. Well, that and all of the awesome meals, visits, and pick-me-ups that I received.

But, I digress.

I truly think it's time for another installment of Dear Crabby.  I just feel like dishin' out some advice! So, please, ask your questions. Nothing is beyond my grasp...I think.


  1. Dear Crabby,

    Some guy living in my thurible just said I could have three wishes. What should I ask for?

    Abbé Aladdin

  2. Abbé Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three
    I'm on the job, you big nabob
    You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
    You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
    You ain't never had a friend like me
    You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!

    Also, if I were you, I would wish for the voices to go away. Maybe you need to stop living in a basement?

    Your friend you ain't never had,
    Mrs. Crabby

  3. Dear Crabby,

    I love your blog! Your almost as funny on your blog as you are at the neighborhood parties. Here's my problem:

    I have a nice, youngish man living in my basement. He claims to be a student but judging by his hobbies and friends, I think he's a ninja. Should I kick him out and put my own life in danger or just let him finish school...which might take up to 5 more years? HELP!

    Vigilant on Virginia Street

  4. Dear Crabby,

    I have been feeling like Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster and Chicken Little all rolled into one here lately and it's getting down right frustrating.

    What can I do to help myself? I thought about offering to befriend Abbe Aladdin but I am not that desperate . . . . yet.


    Grouchie Chicken Monster

  5. Dear V on V Street,

    Girls like guys with skills. Nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.

    And, since he's not really working on his dissertation anyway I think you should kick him out. I've seen his Rex quan do and you could easily break the wrist and walk away. He hasn't perfected his skills.

    Starla Crab

  6. Dear GCM,

    Seriously? You feel like a nasty, paranoid glutton? I think I know who you are.

    If I were you, I would befriend Abbé Aladdin. He's got a talking thurible which is more than I've got.

    Mrs. Crab

  7. Dear Crabby,

    I am kind of a big deal in St. Louis. The problem is my boss will only pay me $20 Million a year when I'm worth much more. If I leave, I will tarnish my reputation here, but I want more money. Am I being greedy? What should I do?

    Albert P.

  8. Dear AP (are you related to HP?),

    I see nothing wrong with being greedy. I'm sure you do something really important like curing cancer, or lighting candles or something. As long as you are doing something truly worthwhile, and not just swinging at flying objects, you should be paid a gazillion dollars.

    Tony LaCrabba

  9. Dear Crabby,

    I was with Abbé Aladdin last Sunday. Only he didn't know it. Is that strange?

    Today my heart has a hole in it. Not a physical hole but an emotional hole. How do I mend it?

    Signed your friend in the North,
    Lady M

  10. Dear Lady M,

    When a hole in the heart is caused by someone doing something for the love of God, you can be assured that that hole will heal. I've had that same sort of hole in my heart for 4 years and it gets better...

    I would also recommend copious amounts of beer, but I know you don't drink.

    Abbé told me he didn't see you (he had a message for you from me). I'm betting he was mistaking you for one of your daughters now that you are running mama with braces!

    Stay strong and know that you have lots of prayers coming your way. And, on that note, I will have a drink in your honor.

    Panerally yours,
    Crabby Mom

  11. Dear Crabby,
    Why does Gucci guy have such an awesome phone?

    Curious in the pew

  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the ever-so-wise-one Crabby!

    Abbé might have remembered my boys since the oldest was the "hat holder" as GQ calls it, AKA mitre bearer. While the younger one had the never-ending smile. You couldn't miss him if you tried.

    And I LOVE your closing!
    Truly Panerally,
    Lady M

    PS. Instead of beer, I'm drowning myself in cupcakes. Soon, I will be unrecognizeable.

  13. Dear Curious,

    Gucci guy HAS to have an awesome phone so when it rings during mass, and he answers it, AND starts having a prolonged conversation, you think charitably to yourself, "Wow, that guy has one awesome phone!"

    Ring, ring,
    Ma Bell Crab