June 12, 2011

Dear Crabby

Nothing says "Get healthy" more than a funny question posted to Mother Crab, or Dear Crabby, as I will be referred to in this segment.

So, ask away!  I have enough wisdom to answer any question.  I may not answer them well, but I'm not making any money off of this.

So, pose your question to Dear Crabby in the combox and I will answer ASAP!


  1. Question 1: May I ask more than one question?

    2. Are you mad at me?

    3. Where is the closest cave to my current residence?

    4. When you have your surgery, can I get on the next gurney for half price surgery? I mean, the surgeon's ALREADY there.

    5. What is the sound of one lawyer clapping?

    Yer frem.

  2. Dear Crabby,
    If you were stuck in bed for 3 weeks, how would you pass the time?

  3. Dear Bedsores,

    May I first comment on your strange name? Your mother must not have liked you.

    Anywho, I have found that sleeping passes the time the fastest, followed by napping and dozing. Occasionally I read a little, but that is quickly followed by snoozing.

    I also enjoy the fever-induced oddities. I was brushing my teeth today, looked in the mirror and noticed that my reflection was not in sync with my body. That made those 5 minutes FLY by!

    I thank you for your question. Now go legally change your name.

    ~Crabby Mom

  4. Dear Crabby,

    You've mentioned fevers. At the rate your sickness is progressing, how soon before can we fry eggs on your forehead?


  5. Dear Crabby,

    The Cardinals just lost three straight to the Brewers, giving up first place in the NL Central. I'm crabby. What should I do??

    PRBH (Proud Resident of Baseball Heaven)

  6. Dear Timman,

    I will answer question #1 first. No.

    Thank you for your interest in this segment!

    ~Crabby Mom

    p.s. I know someone who has a map of caves in MO. I'll hooks youse up!

  7. Dear Hungry,

    Mmmmm. Eggs.

    ~Crabby Mom

  8. Dear PRBH,

    Did you notice your name is like PBR, one of my favorite beers? Did you notice the Cardinals are losing to the most awesome name, The Brewers?

    Relax. It's only June. Have a beer. We don't want you to be crabby - it's unbecoming.

    Go back to 1982. Keith Hernandez. Tommy Herr. Ozzie Smith. Willie McGee. Bruce Sutter. World Series. I rest my case.

    ~Crabby "Darryl Porter" Mom

  9. Dear Crabby,
    What should we do if we aren't old enough to remember 1982?


  10. Dear Youngster, aka Whipper-Snapper,

    I'm glad you asked. There's this awesome/horrible thing called "The Intertrons" that can produce every answer to every question, and some answers are right!

    Or, I can sit in my rocking chair on my front porch and regale you with ditties from 1982. Then I'll throw my empties at you.

    ~Crabby Grandma

  11. Dear Crabby,
    How do I write a dissertation?

    Ph.D. wannabe

  12. Dear Php.D. wannabe,

    What I have found works well is to procrastinate for almost a year, wonder why you can't "get your groove," have a mini freak out when you're reminded not to work too hard and that 10 hours a day should suffice, and well, heavy drinking. Heavy, heavy drinking.

    I hope this helps! As long as you're not trying to write on anything from, say, the byzantine period you should be fine!

    ~Dr. Crab

  13. Dear Crabby,

    My problem is a rather embarrassing one, especially when admitting it to one so libationally illustrious as yourself; thus I take full advantage of posting anonymously.

    Please read as though I'm confiding this in hushed tones....

    (Oh WHERE is that extra small font when you need it?!)....

    OK, here goes....

    I... um... Don't. Like. Beer.


  14. Dear FBTTCT,

    I'm not sure I understood your problem because I have never heard of it. "Don'tlikebeer" sounds like something you need to discuss with someone you can really confide in - like a bartender.

    If he can't help you, please come back with a problem I have heard of! I can't believe you stumped the crab!

    Libationally yours,
    Crabby "have you considered wine?" Mom

  15. Dear Crabby Mom,

    I speak often in question form? I'm always confused? Can you help?


  16. Dear ?,

    Perhaps you aren't drinking enough Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor. I have heard that Mickey's will cure any ailment you got! Quickly, run up to Randall's and buy some. If you get a case, you also get a box which can be used to ship things to exotic countries later!


  17. Dear Crabby,
    What should I do when my fellow altar boy makes a lot of mistakes during Mass?

    Server Extraordinaire

  18. Dear Server Extraordinaire,

    Sometimes a server will forget an entire cruet of water, or, perhaps, will set himself on fire with the Sanctus candle.

    Frustrating for sure. Although I wouldn't know from firsthand experience...

    I would say you should gloat in your perfection in front of him a much as possible, chide him for his imperfections, and then go write your dissertation.

    May God bless you, you Server Extraordinaire,

  19. Dear Crabby,

    It is only mid-June and for more than a few fleeting moments the thought has gone through my mind that I can't wait for September when the kids are back-to-school, only to remember...

    ... we HOMEschool!

    Reminiscent of the poster above who speaks in question form, Help?


    HSMom (This name, I realize, belongs to a fellow blogger, but it simply means Homeschooling Mom, which fits me. I know that SHE would NEVER have such a thought in HER mind about HER kids.)

  20. Dear Crabby,

    I used to have a really cool nickname, Humble Pie, but then I got cocky and people stopped calling me that. Now I'm trying to show them how cool I am by growing a beard. The problem is that I don't have the ability to grow one. What should I do?

    Hairless Joe Jackson

  21. Dear HSMom (but that THAT HSMom),

    You know when you make pro/con lists for certain things? I would say this part is definitely on the CON side.

    I have a clock where every number on it is a 5. I suggest you get one too. It'll make you feel better.


  22. Dear Hairless Joe,

    That is a super gross name.

    Why oh why have you fallen from your Humble Pie beginnings? Is it because you think you have superior serving skills?

    I would suggest immediately to CEASE AND DESIST any attempts at growing facial hair. It's creepy. Girls like guys with skills, but I would recommend honing your numchuck skills instead.

    ~Craboleon Dynamite

  23. Dear Crabby,

    I can throw the pigskin a quarter mile?

    Uncle Rico?

  24. Dear Uncle Rico?

    Are you serious?

    Dead serious?

    Crabby Kip?

  25. Dear Crabby,
    I have a problem... I like to pretend I'm a superhero and run around the city dressed in black with a sash about my waist. (A cape was too expensive.) Is that normal?

    Anxious Superhero

  26. P.S.
    Can you think of any real cool superhero names for me?


  27. Dear Crabby,

    Sometimes it takes me 2-3 days to think of a comeback. Is this normal or am I just a little slow?


  28. Dear Slojoe,

    I had to wait 2 days for this joke to be funny.

    You're slow. And so's yo' ol' lady.

    ~Speedy Gonzales