Nothing says "Get healthy" more than a funny question posted to Mother Crab, or Dear Crabby, as I will be referred to in this segment.
So, ask away! I have enough wisdom to answer any question. I may not answer them well, but I'm not making any money off of this.
So, pose your question to Dear Crabby in the combox and I will answer ASAP!
Question 1: May I ask more than one question?
ReplyDelete2. Are you mad at me?
3. Where is the closest cave to my current residence?
4. When you have your surgery, can I get on the next gurney for half price surgery? I mean, the surgeon's ALREADY there.
5. What is the sound of one lawyer clapping?
Yer frem.
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteIf you were stuck in bed for 3 weeks, how would you pass the time?
-Bedsores
Dear Bedsores,
ReplyDeleteMay I first comment on your strange name? Your mother must not have liked you.
Anywho, I have found that sleeping passes the time the fastest, followed by napping and dozing. Occasionally I read a little, but that is quickly followed by snoozing.
I also enjoy the fever-induced oddities. I was brushing my teeth today, looked in the mirror and noticed that my reflection was not in sync with my body. That made those 5 minutes FLY by!
I thank you for your question. Now go legally change your name.
~Crabby Mom
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteYou've mentioned fevers. At the rate your sickness is progressing, how soon before can we fry eggs on your forehead?
-Hungry
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteThe Cardinals just lost three straight to the Brewers, giving up first place in the NL Central. I'm crabby. What should I do??
PRBH (Proud Resident of Baseball Heaven)
Dear Timman,
ReplyDeleteI will answer question #1 first. No.
Thank you for your interest in this segment!
~Crabby Mom
p.s. I know someone who has a map of caves in MO. I'll hooks youse up!
Dear Hungry,
ReplyDeleteMmmmm. Eggs.
~Crabby Mom
Dear PRBH,
ReplyDeleteDid you notice your name is like PBR, one of my favorite beers? Did you notice the Cardinals are losing to the most awesome name, The Brewers?
Relax. It's only June. Have a beer. We don't want you to be crabby - it's unbecoming.
Go back to 1982. Keith Hernandez. Tommy Herr. Ozzie Smith. Willie McGee. Bruce Sutter. World Series. I rest my case.
~Crabby "Darryl Porter" Mom
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteWhat should we do if we aren't old enough to remember 1982?
Youngster
Dear Youngster, aka Whipper-Snapper,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you asked. There's this awesome/horrible thing called "The Intertrons" that can produce every answer to every question, and some answers are right!
Or, I can sit in my rocking chair on my front porch and regale you with ditties from 1982. Then I'll throw my empties at you.
~Crabby Grandma
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteHow do I write a dissertation?
Ph.D. wannabe
Dear Php.D. wannabe,
ReplyDeleteWhat I have found works well is to procrastinate for almost a year, wonder why you can't "get your groove," have a mini freak out when you're reminded not to work too hard and that 10 hours a day should suffice, and well, heavy drinking. Heavy, heavy drinking.
I hope this helps! As long as you're not trying to write on anything from, say, the byzantine period you should be fine!
~Dr. Crab
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteMy problem is a rather embarrassing one, especially when admitting it to one so libationally illustrious as yourself; thus I take full advantage of posting anonymously.
Please read as though I'm confiding this in hushed tones....
(Oh WHERE is that extra small font when you need it?!)....
OK, here goes....
I... um... Don't. Like. Beer.
Signed,
Former-but-trying-to-convert-teetotaler
Dear FBTTCT,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I understood your problem because I have never heard of it. "Don'tlikebeer" sounds like something you need to discuss with someone you can really confide in - like a bartender.
If he can't help you, please come back with a problem I have heard of! I can't believe you stumped the crab!
Libationally yours,
Crabby "have you considered wine?" Mom
Dear Crabby Mom,
ReplyDeleteI speak often in question form? I'm always confused? Can you help?
bye?
Dear ?,
ReplyDeletePerhaps you aren't drinking enough Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor. I have heard that Mickey's will cure any ailment you got! Quickly, run up to Randall's and buy some. If you get a case, you also get a box which can be used to ship things to exotic countries later!
Bye?
Crabby?
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteWhat should I do when my fellow altar boy makes a lot of mistakes during Mass?
Yours,
Server Extraordinaire
Dear Server Extraordinaire,
ReplyDeleteSometimes a server will forget an entire cruet of water, or, perhaps, will set himself on fire with the Sanctus candle.
Frustrating for sure. Although I wouldn't know from firsthand experience...
I would say you should gloat in your perfection in front of him a much as possible, chide him for his imperfections, and then go write your dissertation.
May God bless you, you Server Extraordinaire,
~Crabby
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteIt is only mid-June and for more than a few fleeting moments the thought has gone through my mind that I can't wait for September when the kids are back-to-school, only to remember...
... we HOMEschool!
Reminiscent of the poster above who speaks in question form, Help?
Thanks,
HSMom (This name, I realize, belongs to a fellow blogger, but it simply means Homeschooling Mom, which fits me. I know that SHE would NEVER have such a thought in HER mind about HER kids.)
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteI used to have a really cool nickname, Humble Pie, but then I got cocky and people stopped calling me that. Now I'm trying to show them how cool I am by growing a beard. The problem is that I don't have the ability to grow one. What should I do?
Yours,
Hairless Joe Jackson
Dear HSMom (but that THAT HSMom),
ReplyDeleteYou know when you make pro/con lists for certain things? I would say this part is definitely on the CON side.
I have a clock where every number on it is a 5. I suggest you get one too. It'll make you feel better.
~HSCrab
Dear Hairless Joe,
ReplyDeleteThat is a super gross name.
Why oh why have you fallen from your Humble Pie beginnings? Is it because you think you have superior serving skills?
I would suggest immediately to CEASE AND DESIST any attempts at growing facial hair. It's creepy. Girls like guys with skills, but I would recommend honing your numchuck skills instead.
~Craboleon Dynamite
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteI can throw the pigskin a quarter mile?
Uncle Rico?
Dear Uncle Rico?
ReplyDeleteAre you serious?
Dead serious?
Crabby Kip?
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteI have a problem... I like to pretend I'm a superhero and run around the city dressed in black with a sash about my waist. (A cape was too expensive.) Is that normal?
Yours,
Anxious Superhero
P.S.
ReplyDeleteCan you think of any real cool superhero names for me?
Anxious
Dear Crabby,
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes me 2-3 days to think of a comeback. Is this normal or am I just a little slow?
Yours,
Slojoe
Dear Slojoe,
ReplyDeleteI had to wait 2 days for this joke to be funny.
You're slow. And so's yo' ol' lady.
~Speedy Gonzales